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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The I Married a Monster Show - Season 6 or 7. I forget.

Conversation at the front door with ex-husband who rarely gives me the time of day.

F: Hello lovey. Your hair looks really fantastic today. (BEST POSH LONDON ACCENT) Could you do me a huge favor?

T: YEAH I guess. What is it? (EYES NARROWING)

F: Can you make me a website and a nice flyer next week? (SWEET SMILE)

T: YEAH I guess. Why? (BRACING MYSELF)

F: Well... that crazy bitch just laid me off. (HEADING TIPPING PATHETICALLY TO THE SIDE LIKE A KICKED PUPPY)

T: Oh my gawd. Sorry. (SHIT. FUCK. LOST YOUR JOB AGAIN? WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME?)

F: Thanks lovey. I'll call ya next week. I will need it right away!! (YEAH AND I WILL NEED HENRY'S TUITION CHECK RIGHT AWAY TOO)

(QUICK EMAIL TO HIS FORMER BEST FRIEND IN L.A>)

T: Hey...guess what?

LA: Ahh, Frank lost his job again?

T: Yeah, how did you know?

LA: You haven't noticed the pattern YET?

T: Yeah, I guess I sort of knew something was about to happen. He HAS been a little nicer lately.

LA: Whadya know... a change in demeanor leading to bad news and a request for help. So very him.
Wonder what he did this time?
Punch someone?
Steal something?
Tell a fantastic lie about having to rush off to England for a fake emergency?

T: Yeah. Oh man. I feel stupid.

LA: Don't you know by now, to watch out for his big soften up?
You shoulda known when he offered YOU such a "great deal" on the FREE sofa he got, that bad news was just around the corner. Better brace yourself for the inevitable.. "Sorry love I can't afford my half of the tuition or child support for a while" (AGAIN!?)

T: Right. (CRAP, SHIT, FUCK.)

LA: There could be a bright side... if he can't find a job, maybe he will move back to England or Texas or L.A.

T: SMILE BRIGHTENING SLIGHTLY. Well I guess we can hope...

(SHIT CRAP FUCK)

2 comments:

Cheri said...

Hee hee.

Aaryn said...

I say, pull for extradition to Texas. They don't exactly have a reputation for being nice to folks who break the law.