Kaboom! Your Oxi is clean and your Orange glows…

(THIS IS TRUE STORY!)

When Henry was a tiny baby, I remember being completely amazed at his reaction to infomercials. “Adverts” as Henry calls them now. This child had no interest in Black Adder, or M.A.S.H. Nor could I convince him to even look up for a second at Sesame Street, Barney or Teletubbies, but Billy Mays got him every time. A peddler, a pitchman, trafficker of cleaning products made Henry look up and watch with eyes wide open for the full 2 minutes every single time he came on the telly. He was great at creating a sense of urgency. Get it NOW really stuck with Henry.

A conversation with Henry the other night while I was working on the computer and he was watching Nickelodeon.

H: (Running down the hall) Mummy, Mummy, you have to let me get on the computer RIGHT NOW!
M: I am working Hen, what is so important?
H: I have to sign up TODAY for Westwood College’s Online Program.
M: What College? You’re 7? What are you talking about?
H: Mummy, they said on Nickelodeon that I can go online to learn to animate and design video games. I have idea’s and I want to design one NOW. Go to the website NOW please. Right NOW please. NOW OK? NOW, please Mummy.
M: OK, let’s go see what it says. (There was no way he was going to let me finish my work until I went there and checked it out.)
M: Sorry Henry, it says here that you have to graduate from High School to take these classes. You are only in 1st grade.
H: It’s OK. YOU went to college. Pretend it’s you signing up and I will take the classes… or how ‘bout you sign up and learn how to do it, and then you can teach me. Do it Mummy. At least ask for more information NOW.

I sent in an online request for more information that night with Henry looking over my shoulder, directing me as to what to ask. How long does it take? How much does it cost? How old do you have to be? Do you really have to graduate from HS before you can learn?
He came to me 3 times Sunday night asking me to check my email to see if they had answered yet and he directed me Monday morning to keep checking email while he was in school, just in case they answered.

I have gotten 3 hard sell phone calls, from admission advisors since then, asking me when I want to start Westwood College of Game Art and Design. The program costs $70,000. And it takes 3 years. He wouldn’t be able to design a game until he was in 4th grade.

I gave Hen the bad news… I told him that it was way too expensive I didn’t have that kind of money right now.

He went away (dreams crushed) for about 5 minutes then came running down the hall again…

H: Mummy, Mummy, do you have any scrap gold? We could sell it for cash! I just saw an advert on Nickelodeon about how to get fast cash for your scrap gold to make extra money for anything you want. And if you go to www.goldkit.com you can get a FREE gold kit to send in your teeth today. And shipping is free!

Do it Mummy won’t you please? NOW?

Moving on...

I have been on vacation from a job that I will have only 3 more days. All week I have been making lists of things I need to do and I have been amazingly unproductive. This may explain it.

I think I will need a better plan for my unemployment months.

Do onto others? Or take the high road?

I have been getting emails asking why I felt the need to post Get a therapist...it lasts longer, so I have decided to tell you-all why, without "outing" the perpetrator.

I am doing this because I may have upset family and friends who read my little blog but don't always comment. I want them to know that I do not consider them creepy lurkers just because they don't comment.

And I want to thank the others for the insightful commentary on gossip.

Statistically, there are a relatively small subset of blog readers who comment regularily. And I don't expect anyone to even be that interested in my musings, let alone have something to say about them.

But a little over a week ago, I heard from a few friends that "someone" was overheard gossiping about me, citing something they claimed to have seen on this blog. Luckily for me I guess, this person is a well known trouble-maker/gossip - but it still didn't make me feel better at the time, especially because it involved my child.

I have had time to reflect and for the record: I expect those of you who are loosely connected to me, but do no really know me at all, NOT to use information found here to twist and fabricate tales to create drama and gossip that could potentially hurt a child. I could care-less what you say or think about me, but don't mess with Henry.

Additionally, the message I would like to send to "this person" specifically, if they happen to read this, is that while I have no control over you reading my public blog, nor do I have control over the small mindedness of your gossip, I do have control over how I will react and behave. And I vow not treat you the way you have treated me. Actually I vow not to give a shit one way or the other about what you have to say.

Get a therapist - it lasts longer.

The definition of Lurk, according to UrbanDictionary.com:

Lurk
On a messageboard or anything similar, to browse the board often, but without ever posting anything.

Lurker
Someone who is creepy and reads your comments on your web profile to find stuff out about you.
Possible reasons for this could be:
-They don't know what to say
-They are pretending to have friends
-They are trying to scare you
-They are there just to be seen with you, as if they have some kind of relationship with you.

Lurker Who Needs to Get a Therapist
Someone who lurks on your website and then uses the information in a feeble attempt to create gossip and ill will about you and/or your family.

When musical inspiration hits...

and all you have is a dirty napkin...
Go for it.

They were so poor that....

...they ended up living in a rolled up newspaper at the bottom of a septic tank. It would be funny if it wasn't true for the 1.5 million Americans who may lose their homes to foreclosure this year.

Pop Quiz: Which of these products do you think makes sense?

(a) The "balloon mortgage," in which the borrower pays only interest for 10 years before a big lump-sum payment is due.

(b) The "liar loan," in which the borrower is asked merely to state his annual income, without presenting any documentation.

(c) The "option ARM" loan, in which the borrower can pay less than the agreed-upon interest and principal payment, simply by adding to the outstanding balance of the loan.

(d) The "piggyback loan," in which a combination of a first and second mortgage eliminates the need for any down payment.

(e) The "teaser loan," which qualifies a borrower for a loan based on an artificially low initial interest rate, even though he or she doesn't have sufficient income to make the monthly payments when the interest rate is reset in two years.

(f) The "stretch loan," in which the borrower has to commit more than 50 percent of gross income to make the monthly payments.

(g) All of the above.

If you answered (g), congratulations! Not only do you qualify for a job as a mortgage banker, but you may also have a future as a Wall Street investment banker and a bank regulator.

One cheeky lender went so far as to advertise what it dubbed its "NINJA" loan -- NINJA standing for "No Income, No Job and No Assets."

In fact, these innovative products are now so commonplace, they have been the driving force in the boom in the housing industry at least since 2005. They help explain why outstanding mortgage debt has increased by $9.5 trillion in the past four years. And they are, unquestionably, a big factor behind the incredible run-up in home prices.

This information is from a Washington Post article by Steven Pearlstein that explains all too well, why 1.5 million Americans may lose their homes to foreclosure and soon will be living in a rolled up newpaper at the bottom of the road. At least they won't have to worry about how they will afford to fix it, if the roof springs a leak.

Subprime Panick Attack

Latest count of major US mortgage lenders that have croaked since late 2006: 50 and counting

AKA: Why I am no longer employed.

Things to do with a card board box

1. Throw it in the garbage
2. Send it to the waste-recyclers
3. Turn it into a solar box cooker
4. Use it as an oven to bake potatoes
5. Turn it into a composter that finally composts itself
6. Feed it to compost worms
7. Make a garden and grow vegetables in it
8. Make an incubator - Hatch eggs in it
9. Make an armchair
10. Live in it

My conversation with Henry this morning after I picked him up from Dad's:

Me: So Henry, did Daddy tell you what happened with my job Thursday? (I thought he'd use the opportunity to diss me for sure)
Hen: No, Mummy. What happened?
Me: I lost it. I got laid off.
Henry: Gasp... What?
Me: Oh Henry, don't worry we are totally fine!
Henry: No we are not! When people lose their jobs, they have to live in a cardboard box.
Me: Seriously, we are fine! I have been with the company for 10 years. I got a great severance package!
Henry: Never mind about that. Will we have a library? A basement? Wireless internet in our box? I'll need it for my laptop!

Me: Hen-Hen, you have been reading Calvin and Hobbes again haven't you?

The best present for a little mogul.

You may have read in a previous post that Henry intends to grow up and become a wealthy real estate tycoon.

He now has everything he needs to make his dreams come true, thanks to the best birthday present ever for a little up-and-coming mogul.

Real-Estate-Tycoon-In-A-Box. (Cute little assistant in the background not included.)
1. Business Cards and Holder
2. Personalized Purchase Contracts
3. For Sale Signs
4. A Coffee Mug - for the Starbucks run
5. A Calculator - to calculate his HUGE commissions
6. A Good Pen
7. A Camera and Film - to take pictures of his Real Estate holdings.
8. A Note Pad - to take notes during meetings with clients
9. A Real Estate License.

This perfect birthday gift was given to Henry by his school mate Jordan and his clever mom Mia.
He was over the moon when he opened it. Before you could say "Entrepreneur" Henry had an office set up, ready for business, complete with a bright smile and new advertising signs. All he needed were clients, which he found in his more-than-willing parents, sister and brother-in-law. He made "WE'RE OPEN" and "NEXT" signs, and one at a time, called his new clients into his office. He interviewed each and wrote down exactly what features they were looking for in their next house, and then calculated the price range.

The next day he insisted we move the furniture in his room
around so that his desk (currently up against the wall) was placed in
such a way that 2 clients could sit across from him at a time. He
framed his license, made a few signs and was open for business.
Look for calendar door hangers in your neighborhood soon.

My Mom is blogging this...

No I am not.

Everyone knows, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. I guess I should mention that it was an educational trip. :-)

Shirts and inspiration: Compliments of Laura's Mom

Under penalty of law - do not disturb this tenant

For the past 2 years, Henry has announced to anyone who will listen, that he plans to be a real estate tycoon when he grows up. He wrote in his Kindergarten journal last year that when he gets bigger, he plans on buying and selling lots of houses and buildings and that he would buy me a nice big mansion someday. Buying your mother a mansion is a noble goal I suppose, but there have been times when this ambition has proved a bit embarrassing. He doesn't seem like the bossy, stepping-over-bodies-on-your-way-up type, and I can't see him with a horrid comb-over telling people they're fired, but he has been known to go for playdates to a school mates house, and question their parents about much they paid for their house.

Yesterday Henry was in his room for ages and I finally wandered upstairs to see what he was doing. He had posted notices all over his bedroom door.
READ THIS:
Do not disturb!
Game in progress. (sometimes)
OR taking a nap OR you get the idea!

READ THIS!!!!
(He circled and cut out specific clauses from a rental contract that was laying around on my desk.)
In compliance with the law, the Owner/Agent may not threaten to actually reduce or terminate services to the Renter, raise the rent or evict the renter if the purpose is retaliation against the renter for seeking the following... the rest is cut off.

READ THIS!!!!
The Renter will permit the Owner with reasonable notice to enter the rental between 8 a.m. and 6 p.m. to redecorate or repair premises... Such entries shall take place only with the consent of the renter...blah blah blah... or if the Owner believes that an emergency exists which requires immediate entry such entry may be made without the Renters consent.

P.S. No Aliens allowed!

I don't know for sure, but I think he means business. And while he doesn't get bossy with me directly, he IS practicing on the dog.

How I spent my Saturday - By Me

Hi everybody, It's me, Henry.
I have never skateboarded before but today I learned. Mum filmed it and we made a music video for you. My brothers would be proud.
Do you like it?

When will I blog again?

Something to look at until I blog again.
Click here

seconds
minutes
hours
days
months
years

Henry made me do it!

Henry made me blog this.

We gave Tatum, Henry's niece, my grandaughter, little African-American twin babydolls for Christmas. Tatum named them Baby Ann and Baby Gran on the spot. So sweet. She undresses them every night and puts little jammies on them, making sure to carefully cover them from the cold. Such a little mom! Later, jamie told me Tatum had changed the twins names to Humpy-hump and Chong-chong! Henry reminded me of her nicknames tonight. We are laughing so hard I can hardly type. Oh Tay Tay, you are the best! I guess it's better than, the crack spider's bitch and the Bride of Chucky.

Same old, same old

Whadya know... a change in demeanor leading to bad news and a request for help. So very him. The man's more transparent than a starlet's shirt....

An important message from the Canadian Wildlife Service

We have our priorities...

Click the title above to check out the introduction to the long-awaited Apple iPhone. Starting now, I will be penny-pinching until I have saved enough to afford this ridiculously expensive phone. In fact, Henry watched the whole 1:45 (sorry, that is one hour 45 minute) keynote with me last night, cheering in all the right places and we decided to eat nothing but bread and water for 6 months until we have enough money saved to buy 2! He wants one too, of course. Man I love that kid! He really is a mini mac-nerd, just like me.

I have a big wall and I'm not afraid to use it.

I have a big empty wall that has been empty for a long time because I haver never been able to figure out what to do with it. Now I know. I am going to paint this quote on the wall so every morning when I am rushing down the stairs to hurry off to my 9 to 5er, I can slow down and read it. Everyday, everyday... until I fully absorb it. It's from Akeelah and the Bee. (written by Marianne Williamson.)

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Where is my bloggishness? (Oh. There it is.)

I really want to blog. I have a burning inner desire to blog but I don't know where my bloggishness went because I can't make myself sit down and do it. Well actually, when I have something that is pressing me to blog about (oh like, Henry's pink feather princess mules worn proudly for 2 days with athletic socks, which I have a darling picture of) I am expressly told "DO NOT blog this Mummy!" I was given permission for this disclosure, just not the accompanying picture. The other day I had a non-Henry list in my head, but now I don't know where it ran off to, because it certainly isn't on the tip of my brain anymore.

A vote is like a rifle

"A vote is like a rifle; its usefulness depends upon the character of the user."
- U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt

It's shaping up to be a sugary holiday...

Artificial and sort of proud of it.

It doesn’t remove air pollution, or provide a home for wildlife.
It doesn’t disguise a cell tower or offset my carbon footprint.
It doesn't even have that lovely Christmasy smell.

But it was easy to assemble, pre-lit, low maintenance and goes with my fake grass and my attempts at low maintenance lifestyle.
I sort of hate that I am in the majority on this one. 21 percent of U.S. households display real trees while 48 percent put up fake ones. The remaining three in 10 households do not take part in the tradition.

I hate the idea of cutting down a living breathing tree but I also hate contributing to the landfills when this one gets tossed.

I want to be carbon neutral. I try. I purchase power from alterate sources. I recycle. I changed my light bulbs. I hope to get solar panels next year.

Over the years I have tried: Cut trees but putting them up by myself is a pain in the ass. I love the smell but hate the trouble, scratches, doing the lights and the mess. It usually falls over at least once while I am trying to stuff it into the stand and make sure it is straight while I dig the screws into it's poor barky flesh... It's just too hard.

I have tried a live, potted tree that later was planted in my yard. It died in a few short months leaving a carcass to dispose of in May and a really guilty feeling in my hippie heart.

This year I decided for the first time ever, to try an artificial tree. The concept bugs me. But I think I like the final effect. It is bold. It is white. It does not look like a fake tree trying to be real. It is what it is. And I think I like that. This year anyway.

And since I have a fake tree and I care about the universe, I will donate to Tree People, and leave the planting and care and actual thriving to those who can properly take care of REAL trees. There are a lot of Global Releaf programs. Please donate to one this year. (It is a fact that the average American family needs to plant 30 trees to offset the CO2 produced by their daily energy use.)

The best thing for being sad, replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world around you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it.

That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.

T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"

My interest in blogging has been overridden by my interest in eating and horsing around.

Reading books, eating lollipops and turkey...yummmm, playing chalk tag and game fish, watching Dora and Thomas... all seem way more important today, than the love affair I had been having with my computer. (I may participate in Cyber-Monday) but this is what I have been loving most over this holiday!

Our Lady of Charity might have been my mother.

I was adopted and today is 48th anniversary of the day that my mother (who was killed in a car crash before I could meet her) gave birth to me... She spent many months hidden safely away from society's scorn, in a home for unwed mothers (nicknamed Watermelon Hill) making rosaries, awaiting my arrival and the day she would surrender me.

Her very Catholic parents decided for her, that at 19 she was not fit to be a parent. I am not sure how she felt, except that I am pretty sure in the 50's, she didn't have the voice to decide otherwise.

I am going to play the Joni Mitchell album Magdalena Laundries today and think of her. Then I am going to eat cake and celebrate how many more choices we have as women today.

Ancient Chinese Secret.

(I am not drinking and my spelling isn't this bad... this is known as Chinglish.)

Three Snakes Wine
According to Chinese medicine major Dictionary , the fomer things have abvious functions to rheumatism.

This Liquor has been soaked for a year and a half,and it has been watered carefully. It is frqgant mellow tasty and no stench. Drinking reguraly can dispel the wind and Coldness, remove blood stasis, limber up muscles and joints, strengthen health, prevent from diseases and prolong life.

Just looking at it almost makes me not want to drink again.

Not trying to overdo the China blogs but...

I swear I am not trying to make this trip the beginning and end of the world. I do cool trips every year but this time:

1. I had a decent camera and took a lot of neat pictures.
2. I have been forced to switch to stupid ROADRUNNER
2a. When I get inspired to blog, my internet and email always seem to be down.
3. I just bought all brand new bedding. Beautiful soft down pillows, silky duvet, and 1000 thread count sheets. I am so happy to get in between them.
Oh and
3a. Cheri has taught me (in spite of a broken finger that made squeezing the limes ALMOST impossible) how to make the PERFECT GAY MARTINI and I have been drinking a few here and there. They do tend to make me want to go to bed even earlier than usual.

It can't still be jet lag that makes me want to crash early. Can it?

Sooo, if I am not boring you too much, here are a few more pictures. I am posting these for something different to look at, so you won't totally ditch my blog forever.

My favorite pictures today

We are back....

Here is a quick little recap and a few pictures...

This was the best trip I have taken so far. Henry was really excited about going and VERY happy and excited to be there. He kept an amazing journal! It may have been a little ambitious to take him because the schedule on these trips can be so grueling but he really, really loved it. And he was fantastic. He never once complained about anything... too hot, too cold, too tired, 10 days of carrying luggage, food with eyeballs and/or bones, up at 6AM most days, back to the hotel at midnight or later, trudging on and off 6 airplanes, 2 boats, a train and many, many busses!

In fact, each night he would shower and get in bed and while I took my long awaited shower he would put little notes written on the hotel stationary under the blankets of my bed saying things like… “Mummy, this was the best day of my life.” Or “Mummy, today was worth $400000000. I love you.“

It was AMAZING how much he LOVED it there! ME too! I want to go to Tibet now and Henry wants to go to Egypt.

All the Asians were FASCINATED by Henry and kept trying to touch him and take pictures of him. They were flocking around him constantly (He didn’t like that but he didn’t complain… he would just whisper “Muummmmy they’re doing it again”
Kids of all ages came up and said hello, hello. Business men begged to have a picture with him. Families pushed their children next to him and snapped away. Poor Henry, they all thought he was a girl, because his hair is so long, I guess.

One day we climbed the Great Wall which was harder to do than I expected. We set a goal for how far we were going to climb and when we got to our goal, there was a camel ON the wall. He got to ride a 2 humped camel ON the Great Wall.

We visited 4 cities in 10 days. We took the Maglev train in Shanghai ... went 268 mph to the airport! - World's fastest supposedly, although I do think the Shinkansen in Japan is the same. An hour ride to the airport on a bus took us only 7 minutes and 20 seconds!

In addition to all the other places we PLANNED to go, we also unexpectedly (luckily) got to add a few stops. Besides the many museums, tombs, temples, walls and soldiers, we toured a jade factory, a cloisonné factory, a pottery factory, a silk factory and a furniture factory and we went to a school where they demonstrated the art of ink drawing. We took a 4 hour cruise down the Li River in Guilin. It is supposed to be one of the prettiest places in the world, I think I agree.
Coming home our plane in Shanghai was WAY overbooked so we took a bump and went 1st class to Vancouver, then to LA and we got $500 bucks in compensation for "our trouble". It was fabulous. The only bad part was we got back about 4 hours later than we had planned to, so we couldn't get our dog from the kennel or go to bed as early as we wanted to.
The entire trip was REALLY fantastic and I was VERY proud of Henry. He was an angel and very interested in everything we went to see.
Here are a couple pictures.