Off to a land of frozen dead guys...

We are on vacation this week in the land of frozen dead guys and burned out hippies that have been kicked out of Boulder (this according to the Urban Dictionary). Why you may ask? I planned on blogging about that very subject while I was there, but when I called the owner of the cabin we are renting, to ask if they "by any chance (fingers crossed) had WIRELESS internet connectivity in the cabin?" The manager laughed at me and said... "Honey we don't even have TVs in the cabins. If you are coming HERE, we want you reading books, hiking, fishing and reconnecting with your family. If you need to use the internet THAT bad, you can march your butt down to the library and use the one there, like everyone else."

I guess you won't hear from us until we get back from fishin' and skinning bears or whatever.

Interview with a fish

CARLSBAD - Deb Betta, is the happiest anyone has seen her in a while. In her betta world, where men are usually the pretty, happy ones, Deb is a truly colorful, cheery little dish lately. She has good reason now that she is rambling around in her Mac-mansion completely unharassed and male-free. Don't get this girl wrong, she likes boys, it's just that her former betrothed was starting to take her for granted and even chase her around a bit too much. He was promptly put into time-out to think about his recent behaviour. She loves him, but with all this time to think, she has made a big decision.

In an interview today, Ms. Betta had this to say. "I realized that I wasn't really the marrying type," said Deb. "I'm very independent. I just had too many things I wanted to do. Call me happily unmarried, that suits me just fine. Now, I don't feel the tug of having to pay attention to somebody else and meet their needs when I would frankly, rather just watch TV. I may let him come back someday, if he promises to stop chasing me around like a 2 dollar you-know-what."

A visit to Napolean's temporary new digs found him cheerily working away on a bubble nest. A big one too. Mr. Betta, aka Napoleon the Randy, seems to have a knack for blowing big foamy bubble nests which are used to support betta eggs during the breeding process. A bubble nest is a sign of good health and also that the male betta desires to spawn. Napoleon declined to comment but his agent released this statement "Mr. Betta is fully expecting a reunion with Deb, and a good foamy bubble nest is always a good move. Whether Deb comes back or not he is happy to have found a fulfilling new calling."

Nope, not a blue apple pie.

Last night in Cheri's blog I was actually called a SAINT, just for taking care of Laura's 2 betta fish (Napoleon and Deb) and 2 butterfly's while they are on holiday. I am fairly certain that I will never be called a saint again (although my mother would have liked for me to be called a NUN) so I feel a strong desire to live up to the saint moniker for once in my life.

Some saint. One of the little butterfly's has already passed away (I am going straight to hell) and the darned betta fish were not getting along with each other. Seems, the male was a bit randy and would not leave poor little Deb alone. He chased her behind the pump and there she stayed protecting her chastity until I could rescue her. Far be it for me, to be responsible for Deb becoming an unwed mother so I sent her to a nunnery and Napoleon the Randy, to an Apple pie.



Oh and did I mention my cat is utterly fascinated with the 2 new "aquariums". Last night I used a combination of water gun technology and primitive throwing shit technology to keep her away from them. Tonight I have a better plan. Blue tape is really handy for so many things but I think I may have found the cat-proofing-my- former-trifle-bowl-for-the-sake-of-the-fish cure. Got the idea from the apple pie I consumed at a friends birthday party Sunday. Do you think I went overboard?

Definitely Metro!

And I am just fine with that, except he is using MY Aveda mask.

Thanking a higher power

Monday, August 14, 2006
Thanking a higher power
Well, I negotiated the best I could and got a raise and promotion...and 5 phone calls from Daddy, crying about how much he misses HER (see previous post) and saying that he went to one of HER friends houses at 4 AM today and tried to talk him into flying a helicopter into where ever she is in Arizona to get her back. (She is with a biker guy named CHET!) Thankfully the friend has been sober for 30 years and talked him out of it.

He also wants to quit his job and start a business he asked me to help him do it. He is going to sell his house in London, go to Al-Anon and start this business, get his life together so SHE will have something good to come back to. Then he is going to go get her and do whatever it takes to support her and keep her here and away from CHET the biker/druggie who has guns. He talked to her ex-husband who informed her that he was just about to agree to some visitation of her kids but now, there is no way in hell she is seeing them again.

Luckily he seems to recognize that he is not very stable right now and he let me take Henry home with me in spite of it being a "Daddy Day". I will thank a higher power for small miracles. I can sleep tonight.

P.S. In case you don't read the comments - here is what my brilliant daughter said:

Whoa!

Here's how I see it, no matter how screwed up he is YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN BE MARRIED TO HIM. Therefore, you need not be married to his ideology, or lack thereof. You're sorry he has relationship problems, sorrier for yourself that he came to you with them, but you don't owe him the right to use you as a springboard for his emotions. Not for free at least, that's what shrinks are for.

You once loved him, and in a way you always will, but DIFFERENTLY. You love him because he's fathering your child, not tending to YOUR heart. Your snot and tear wiping partnership ended when the marriage did. It's up to the adults now to navigate a healthy path for Henry.

Having said that...we know he's not much of an adult. So as usual, the burden falls he heavily upon you. But you're no stranger to that and, in fact, burn brighter when someone tries to throw water on you.

Keep burning Demi!

Doing the best I can to channel Demi Moore!

Sunday, August 13, 2006
Doing the best I can to channel Demi Moore!

Apparently my ex, Henry's Dad has fallen in love with a girl who is an alchoholic/drug addict (recovering?).

Saturday he called me numerous times asking me to come over right away When I got there, my normally well-groomed ex husband was standing in his driveway legless, greasy and unshaven and quaking. He scared the shit out of me because I thought someone had died or something had happened to Henry. He was nearly having a breakdown. He got in my car and was WAILING, snot and tears streaming down his face, hysterical (for 45 minutes) that she had left him, screaming that he loves her and he was not gonna be able to survive without her. He was crying so hard he almost couldn't talk. The story flushed out that he had fallen for a girl 9 months ago who had a lot of "problems" including losing custody and visitation of her 3 kids her job and her car and had no place other than a couch at a friends to sleep. Frank took her in and helped her go to school to learn massage therapy. He picked her up and dropped her off and took care of her, and was apparently happy to have someone to come home to. He said that she had changed him and that he had become a better person and that he loved her gentle, spiritual side (he is an atheist) and could not go on with out her.

"Frank the Butcher" nicknamed partly because he has a reputation as a cold, mostly emotionless man. A product of a crappy childhood in which his mother left him at a tender age.

Long story short, SHE (previously referred to as Meth-faced in earlier blogs) had been sober for a year but has apparently and suddenly fallen off-the-wagon, left him and gone to be with an old (drinking and drugging) boyfriend in Arizona. HE was absolutely beside himself. He hasn't eaten or slept for 4 days. He is such a mess as I have NEVER seen. Channeling my best Demi Moore (because she and Bruce Willis get along so well for the sake of the kids) I tried my best to comfort him and reasure him while also telling him to get himself to Al-Anon ASAP. I am pretty sure she will be back and I want him to be prepared for the inevitable roller coaster and MOST OF ALL NOT involve Henry in it. I feel weird (and really hurt) that I am the one he came to tell about how hopelessly besotten he is with HER. I want to RIP on her right now but in the interest of my Karma my lips are semi-sealed.

I have met her a few times and did not like her from the start... but I tried VERY hard to be polite and decent to her. I am doing the best to channel Demi while also being protective of my son and my feelings. I am not liking this right now. I think I need to channel the Dali Lama.

Friday's Child just turned the big 3-0!

My Friday's child IS loving and giving and she just turned 30! My one and only daughter. Born in 1976 - the bicentennial year, when I was barely on the edge of being able to sign a legally binding contract. 18 was a pivotal year for me. I had a tiny, beautiful, Leo daughter on a Friday in a military hospital in Lawton, Oklahoma. None of my family was there (whine, whine - not!) as they did not approve of my tender maternal age. I wouldn't sucumb to family pressure to put her up for adoption and they made sure I felt a little extra sting for my choice. What no one planned on (except me of course, I knew she would be perfect) was jamie becoming the prized child (and grandchild) in the family. She is the one who grew up and did every single thing right. She is Rory and I am Lorelai. We are almost the Gilmore girls. She is amazing and now she is 30.

My 30th brought me some incredible gifts that I will blog about later. To keep you (hopefully) coming back for more, I will start a little drip campaign beginning with the fact that I was adopted and finally found my biological family at 30. But there is much to tell before that.

Anyway, my amazing daughter has a great husband, a beautiful daughter of her own and a handsome son - yep, twins. One of each. Perfect again! And a butt that could stop a 747 according to her husband. We saw the play "Wicked" for her Birthday.

I want to say Happy Birthday jamie. (She spells it with a lower case j, lest you think it is a typo twice.) There are 3,789,800 Americans turning the big 3-0 this year but you are the strongest, most honest, loving, incredible one of them all, and a great mother in spite of your young role model. I want you to know that you make me proud. You have a heart, brains and courage. (and a wicked butt or did I already mention that?)

Thursday's Child has far to go.

In popular culture, there is a little rhyme that says:
Monday's child is fair of face;
Tuesday's child is full of grace;
Wednesday's child is full of woe;
Thursday's child has far to go;
Friday's child is loving and giving;
and so on....

My M, T, W Thursdays and F for the past 30 years have been filled with working at least one and sometimes 2 jobs, going to school finally getting my degree the same year my daughter did, raising my 4 kids by myself and trying to keep my head above water. My last 3 years, my Thursdays have been filled with one precious day a week of sleeping in past 6:30, having a proper cup of coffee instead of that office crap they call coffee, reading the paper and hanging out with my very lovely young son even if it just means having a real breakfast instead of a Balance bar in the car. During the school year it gives me time to help out in Henry's class and keep up with what is going on with him. I try to do my errands, get my haircut, go to the dentist, clean, do laundry and grocery shop. Much as I hate all the later, it never seems that bad because I am doing it while everyone else is hunched over their computers and phones and spreadsheets. Then in the evenings Henry goes to Dad's. Every Thursday night. And I get to top off my night with a good book, bubble baths, facials and glasses of wine if I want to. I feel like I have earned this guilty pleasure and I have even taken the pay cut and tightened my belt accordingly. Today I was informed that I am about to lose my Thursday's off. Someone in my department quit and we have a hiring freeze and I have to come back to work on Thursday or RESIGN. After 9 years with this company. A company that employs over 153,000. A company that just announced they are going to open a technology facility in India. Today, this Thursday, I am grieving. I am going to have 3 glasses of wine instead of 2. I am going to try to gracefully embrace my new fucking work week. But THIS Thursday I have far to go!

On religious FREEDOM at any age

I was raised in a militantly Catholic family who NEVER missed a Sunday or Holy Day for all of my years living at home. EVER. We even found a church to go to when we were on vacation. I always thought that was especially awful - because what I prayed for was that vacation meant vacation from CHURCH too. I also went to an all-girl Catholic school my whole life, getting kicked out when I told a priest that if I wanted to talk to God, I surely didn't need him to do it for me. (Well.... that and I was pregnant) Anyway, my Mother was very religious, and it struck me as ironic even as a little kid that we would go to church, then get the crap beat out of us, usually later the same day while being called god-damned shit faces on every downstroke. I digress. But I did mostly stop going to church at 18.

Last night I had a dream that Henry snuck off to a Catholic School without telling me and I didn't find out until he was about to graduate. His graduation finery was 3 hand drawn crayon crosses on a piece of paper, taped to the front of his t-shirt .... and I was mostly mad that I had forgotten my camera.

Tonight we are laying in bed eating Otter pops and watching The Simpson's. In this episode teaching evolution was banned in Springfield schools, after Flanders visited a museum evolution exhibit and pushed Mayor Quimby to outlaw Darwinism. After holding secret evolution classes, Lisa is arrested and retains a lawyer to help defend her beliefs in front of a judge. While Flanders is on the stand in court, Marge gave Homer a beer in the courtroom, and when he couldn't open it he began acting like an ape. The judge was swayed to believe that Homer in fact could have descended from an ape, case closed. Nelson called Flanders a "God-wad. Brilliant.

After it was over, Henry sat quietly contemplating for a moment or two and then said "Mummy, I think there IS a God and I think he is good. Can I start going to church with Laura"? I might have been silent a moment too long, pondering this religious freedom thing because he finally said "They have donuts there." "Coffee too?" I asked. "Probably!" Ahhh sold.

HEY stop doing this shit...

Bombs are exploding and innocents are dying and Bush vetoed his first piece of legislation – a stem cell research bill that could lead to treatments that save millions of lives and improve the quality-of-life for millions saying, ''This bill would support the taking of innocent human life in the hope of finding medical benefits for others''

“Were I to invoke logic, logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”
Spock Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

Precious Former Chiclets®

I still have every single little tooth the kids have ever lost and I admit this is probably gross - unless you are a Mum, in which case you probably understand that sentimentality occasionally overrides sanity. I wouldn't click to zoom the picture, these are not the sweet little Chiclets® (little square shaped white gum candies) they once were.

Inspired by Cheri's tale of Laura's first tooth loss - River Deep, Mountain High I share this:

I too remember the days of tending forty little baby teeth and watching all the permanent teeth grow in - straight thank gawd. The paying for and schlepping to, all the dental appointments x 3 kids. 120 baby teeth, coming and going. I have paid for each of them in some way or another so I figure I own them. Right? Some were lost at the bottom of pools or in accidents at summer camp, but most of them are here, in a red velvet-lined mahogany box... a mini-monument to what it was like to take care of three sets of Chiclets® and representative of the weird - some may say disgusting sentimentality a Mum has anyway. And now embarrassing blog material.

Do I think the kids will one day ask for them???

Chaaaa. They laugh at me for the stuff I save.

Oh yeah? Someday they may WANT these teeth. They just don't know it yet.

Anyway, one of my son's lost a tooth (18 years ago) and to test whether the Tooth Fairy REALLY existed (oh he of little faith) he slipped it under his pillow after I went to bed - not letting me know ...on purpose.

He put it in a little envelope (that I also still have) and wrote in his best 6 1/2 year old hand writing, "Tooth Fairy IF you are REAL, please leave me $5.00." LUCKILY I went to look at him in the middle of the night - one of those things I used to do when they were little and finally, peacefully SLEEPING - and I slipped my hand under his pillow to give him a midnight hug - thankfully discovering his TEST.

He found his $5.00 in the morning and all faith was restored!

A later college conversation...

A: Hey Mum, I REALLY need those little teeth that you have been saving for 20 years.
M: OK, Anthony. I am sure glad I saved them for you. Should I Fed Ex them?

Yeah right.

Waiting to be discovered for all his life....

Wednesday night Henry and I ran across the new Simon Cowell show, America has Talent. The show features a colorful array of hopeful future "stars" from across the country as they compete for a one million dollar cash prize. The greatest and oddest characters strut and perform in front of the judges who can send them to the next round or give them the big red flourecent X, Gong Show style.

One guy balanced a stove on his face, another one balanced a bowling ball on his head while it was on fire and had knives sticking out of it. But first he dropped a scorpion down his pants. You get the picture.

We landed on the channel just in time to watch Leonid the Magnificent balance and then drop his swords, get Xed and slink off stage with his lovely wings between his legs. He had been waiting for this moment for all of his life. And I am not making fun of him. He was beautiful and he cried. I am a sucker for a beautiful man crying. I am so glad they gave him another chance!

While I was riveted to this spectacle, Henry ran into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water and a towel (we have new hardwood floors, bless his heart) and sauntered back into the living room saying. Hey Mummy, look. I have talent too. Watch me while I gargle "Happy Birthday... No, no wait...even better... watch me while I gargle the song You're a Grand Old Flag." Which he did, water spilling out of his mouth and running down his neck. Nice of him to catch the torrents with his towel. Gawd bless America 2 times. Sugie would be so proud!

Ken Lay is dead

When I heard the news yesterday I decided that Ken Lay hasn’t died, but has entered into some sort of witness relocation program… Republican Criminal Relocation Program?

Check out my new favorite website (Thanks Annia)

And my new favorite/secret lovah... Mo Rocca! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!

On (not) explaining stereoscopic vision to a 6 year old. At midnight.

Last night was the first night all week I could shut my brain off and go to sleep at a reasonable hour, I was in bed at 9 and happily sound asleep soon there after.

Midnight:

H: "Muuuuummmmmmy? I have sweat all over my head, can I come sleep with you?"

My eyes flutter open regretfully... Sigh... toss...silence

H: "Besiiiiiides, I have a question I need to ask you."

T: "Ooookay... come on then little guy."

Sound of feet hitting the floor and padding down the hall ....dragging 2 blankets, a pillow, the stuffed kitty and a few dust bunnies. He climbed quietly up under the sheet on the other side of the bed and laid there with his eyes open in the semi-dark for a few minutes.

H: "Mummy, how come everything we see looks together, but we are seeing out of two eyes?"

T: "Honey I'm not sure I can explain it right now. We can look it up together in the morning."

H: "That's Okay. I can Google it" He slipped out of bed and padded towards my computer.

I am wide awake now, interested to see what he is going to do...

Silence for a few minutes...

H: "It says here that when you look at something, each eye has a slightly different view of it. Your left eye sees a little more of the left side of an object, while your right eye sees a little more of the right side, then each eye gives your brain a different image. Your brain automatically uses this information to put the two flat images together to look three-dimensional. It's called...stereoscopic."

I sit bolt upright.

T: "That's incredible Henry."

H: "I know. I sure do ask good questions for a kid, huh Mummy?"

____

P.S. This morning when he got up, I let Henry read this blog and he made me make the following corrections:

"I didn't say, I have sweat all over my head, can I come sleep with you? I said that I was uncomfortable in my bed and wanted to come sleep with you."

AND " I said, "Mummy, how come everything we see looks together, but we are seeing out of two seperate eyes?"

I stand corrected.

What is all this toilet talk?

Lately all my favorite bloggers (you know who you are) have been spending an awful lot of time talking about pee and toilets and such... and here is what I have to say about that...

From The Ultimate Guide to Feng Shui:

The bathroom and toilet are primarily governed by and driven by the element Water. (Duh.) In Feng Shui, Water is associated with wealth, prosperity, career and good cash flow. (Really?) Secondly, the function of these rooms is associated with elimination and waste. (Duh again.) With these two considerations in mind, MEN can help counteract cash and opportunities being flushed away, by putting the friggin seat down or if they are very well trained - sitting down to pee like civilized people.

And I intend to make it very clear to "Recycle man" (see previous blog) that when he comes for a visit 3 weeks from now... he better sit or git!

Henry introduces spill proof packaging!

Give it a sec to load... and the music runs longer than the video. This video was submitted by a designer (Gabriella Nourse) who designed new packaging for Welches. It's old but I think it's cute. Shake it up!

The best day of our lives!

Tonight because I could not have said it better and I have not been able to stop laughing long enough to write anything, I urge you to visit Cheri's blog about our day at the Fair.
http://blogthismom.blogspot.com/

State fair faces...

Have you noticed how sad and hardened Carnie faces look? It seems to me that they harbor some sort of rage that may originate from the fact that they have very few teeth, live in filth, must put up with constant ridicule and can only fend for themselves behind a cage/booth or in large packs.

All I can say tonight dear blog -because I am dead tired and I have "Fair hands, feet and teeth" is that, after thinking about it, I am sorry I called my ex-husband's current girlfriend "carnie-faced" because she is not. She is more "ex-meth-addict-faced" really.

Back again tonight my second night as a blogger.

Here I am and I made it through the night. I actually drempt that lots of people were reading my blog and I fretted about having to edit it, so I wouldn't look too mean or stupid or dark or happy or thoughtless or.... whatever. I am not a writer, but I have always been a blogger - in my mind. Mostly in the shower I'd say. The problem was until I took the plunge yesterday, I have never actually written anything down... all my brilliant shower thoughts - scribbled with a soapy finger on the glass - were rinsed down the drain and forgotten by the time the water got cold. Wonder what wll come of this?

I must admit this blogging thing is already becoming a love hate relationship – blogging is time intensive. It’s also… quite exposed. For instance today I am pissed off that Sociopath #3 missed his own son's graduation but cancelled his parenting time tomorrow, to go to meth-face French Canadian girlfriends son's graduation (who she lost custody of.) What the ??? Should I even talk about it? As usual, I will do what I can to make it up to our son, with a fabulous day of candied apples and carnival rides and hanging out with incredible friends. Oyyy, anyways, TANGENT!!! See what I mean about being mean - and exposed.

Really I just wanted to say that after huddling against the helicopters and imagined escaped convicts of last night, I woke up this morning to a sunny warm day, a beautiful smiling boy and a sweet little kitten who was thoughtfully cleaning the sleep out of the dogs eye .... not a bad day afterall.

Helicopters flyin round my head.

This has been a really noisy night. There have been helicopters circling in tight little circles 'round MY house all evening. This really creeps me out. What are they looking for? An escaped convict? I half expect the phone to ring and the caller to inquire "Are you alone???" Ewww. I am freaking myself out.

I quickly locked all the doors and closed the drapes and got Henry, the dog, cat , a BIG flashlight and a fireplace tool. Now everyone is all piled in my bed. Together! That feels better. Everyone within reach! NOW I can go to bed and sleep. All is right(er) with the world... well my world at least. The little world in my room. As long as no one cuts the powerlines... we'll be good. If there is not a new blog tomorrow...You'll know Mrs. W did it in the bedroom with a poker...

The I Married a Monster Show - Season 6 or 7. I forget.

Conversation at the front door with ex-husband who rarely gives me the time of day.

F: Hello lovey. Your hair looks really fantastic today. (BEST POSH LONDON ACCENT) Could you do me a huge favor?

T: YEAH I guess. What is it? (EYES NARROWING)

F: Can you make me a website and a nice flyer next week? (SWEET SMILE)

T: YEAH I guess. Why? (BRACING MYSELF)

F: Well... that crazy bitch just laid me off. (HEADING TIPPING PATHETICALLY TO THE SIDE LIKE A KICKED PUPPY)

T: Oh my gawd. Sorry. (SHIT. FUCK. LOST YOUR JOB AGAIN? WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME?)

F: Thanks lovey. I'll call ya next week. I will need it right away!! (YEAH AND I WILL NEED HENRY'S TUITION CHECK RIGHT AWAY TOO)

(QUICK EMAIL TO HIS FORMER BEST FRIEND IN L.A>)

T: Hey...guess what?

LA: Ahh, Frank lost his job again?

T: Yeah, how did you know?

LA: You haven't noticed the pattern YET?

T: Yeah, I guess I sort of knew something was about to happen. He HAS been a little nicer lately.

LA: Whadya know... a change in demeanor leading to bad news and a request for help. So very him.
Wonder what he did this time?
Punch someone?
Steal something?
Tell a fantastic lie about having to rush off to England for a fake emergency?

T: Yeah. Oh man. I feel stupid.

LA: Don't you know by now, to watch out for his big soften up?
You shoulda known when he offered YOU such a "great deal" on the FREE sofa he got, that bad news was just around the corner. Better brace yourself for the inevitable.. "Sorry love I can't afford my half of the tuition or child support for a while" (AGAIN!?)

T: Right. (CRAP, SHIT, FUCK.)

LA: There could be a bright side... if he can't find a job, maybe he will move back to England or Texas or L.A.

T: SMILE BRIGHTENING SLIGHTLY. Well I guess we can hope...

(SHIT CRAP FUCK)